Time Lord Princess
lxst-nxght:

Jamie Bochert in "Parallax" by Willy Vanderperre for Garage Magazine
"

I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy

because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless

and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.

"
Robin Williams  (via taurielsilvan)
a message to crying babies:

unp:

get over it we all have problems

LIFE RANT

Hey, just checking in and explaining my absence, and venting for myself, in case anyone cares, I don’t give a shit if NO ONE reads this, I just need to get it out, and I also don’t care if EVERYONE reads this, including the people it’s about, (I’m not saying anyone should go out of their way to show them because that would probably just hurt them for no reason ‘cause there is no point and that would just be rude of you for their sake and I’m still THAT considerate, that I don’t want that for them because it’s just more shit that would create pointless drama and hurt pride) because I haven’t said one word of a lie, so I won’t feel bad at all for them to read the truth, cause hey, at least I’m not spreading LIES about my “FRIENDS” behind their fucking backs.
I don’t give a fuck anymore.

This WILL be longer than the old fucking testament so ‘scuse me and feel free to not bother reading, but here goes;

A lot has been going on with me lately, too much to handle to be honest, I don’t really know how I’m still managing to force myself out of bed at the moment, but I’m managing it because I don’t want to go back to… how I was before(when HE left)… I’ve never explained him properly on here though, so don’t worry about that, it was years ago anyway and isn’t the main issue anymore, just, horrible shit has been happening though, so I’ve been away for a while, including a death in the family and a member of my immediate family’s liver beginning to fail, along with my PTSD haunting me a lot lately due to continuously seeing a certain fucking person(aforementioned “HIM”) that literally gives me nightmares and makes me cry and shake and curl up in the fucking foetal position and throw up intermittently for days, sometimes even weeks after just seeing them for a moment,(I just don’t make a fucking scene about it so not everyone can fucking tell all the time, or sometimes even at all, because it is private and embarrassing for me that he still has this harsh an affect on me for the most part, so unless I NEED a friend, I keep it to myself) and I’ve seen them like 8 times in the last couple months just randomly while I’ve been out and about and the most recent was the Sunday before last on my fucking bus and I’m still not okay, especially as a few days after said Sunday, the death in the family news came and I spoke to my estranged father for the first time in over four years(who’s liver is beginning to fail because he is an alcoholic, I’d just kind of always had this fairy tale in my head that he was maybe slowly quitting behind my back and going to rock up on my 21st birthday all healthy and wanting to be a good dad… Of course, fairy tales aren’t real though…) all in one day and it’s just all been incredibly hard and I am not coping, but I’m still forcing myself out of bed, out of my room, even if it’s just to bother vomiting in the toilet and lying miserably on the couch, instead of stinking up my room with a bucket and hiding away, and right now, for me, that is something better than nothing, as little as it might sound to you.

The person who triggers me so fucking terribly(“HIM”) has begun catching my preferred bus route, and he was with his new girl and groceries in a very on-my-way-home looking way, and I can’t help but assume now lives on it too, as I KEEP fucking SEEING him, and so now I don’t know how to go about catching it without major anxiety and flashbacks and nightmares and just FUCKED UP SHIT anymore, so I just can’t anymore, and so am finding it even harder to leave the house than I already did, because public transport alone has always made me anxious, much less when HE is fucking there to greet me, and remind my soul of it’s holes.
But I still brave the bus if I want to go out badly enough, he just scares me out of SPECIFIC routes, and now he’s scared me out of the closest one to my house so I have to walk further to catch a bus anywhere. :(

On top of that, the dynamic in my home has been atrocious lately, so much tension and unhappiness, and a lot of bitching behind my back and so much disrespect, and I was sick of it and no one in the house was happy including the one doing all the bitching and it all seemed to be centred around the fact that, that one specific housemate NEEDS to have the BIGGEST problems, ALWAYS, even though another of my housemates is TERMINALLY FUCKING ILL! TERMINALLY! LIKE, ASSURED TO DIE! SO IT’S LIKE SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE, and they made just LIVING a fucking competition of “who’s not dealing the best” and it’s just fucking childish and I could not handle it anymore, and neither could any of the other housemates, because EVERYONE has problems, NO ONES are NECESSARILY bigger than ANYONE else’s, even the TERMINALLY ILL person is always humble and beautiful and helpful if asked, and we are supposed to be ADULTS not to mention FRIENDS, who are THERE FOR EACH OTHER, not 8 year olds competing over who deserves more fucking sympathy or attention.
I am a nice person so don’t bother asking for names for anyone I’m mentioning because I will not give them. Because even when I have been INCREDIBLY disrespected, and in my own fucking home too, by someone I GRACIOUSLY TOOK IN OFF THE FUCKING STREET BECAUSE I CARED, I am STILL, because I have SELF respect, a respectful person.
Yes, you can assume if you have any idea of what’s going on, but that’s just your own assumptions as I’ve said no names or even genders, except for /him/, because I don’t care what he thinks anymore, he just still affects me horridly, I do care that my friends who are mutuals with my housemates understand this post is not me bitching though, it is me venting to my blog which is what it’s fucking for. I am trying to do it in the nicest, most honest, as I ALWAYS fucking am, way, but I NEED to get this OUT. NOW. before I break everything or myself.

But, I have been accused by this person of cheating on my partner with *at least* one person, apparently, HAH.

a) no.

b) at LEAST, huh? Wow, why thank-you, least I get that you think I’m desirable as fuck I guess, no wonder you won’t even let your boyfriend sit and have a fucking durry with me, IN EAR-SHOT OF YOU, Jesus fucking Christ.

c) again, NO! I AM TOO HONEST FOR THAT BULLSHIT AND YOU FUCKING KNOW IT, WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND, I LOVED YOU, I TRUSTED YOU, I OPENED MY HEART AND FUCKING HOME TO YOU, YOU, TO QUOTE YOURFUCKINGSELF, FUCKING BACKSTABBER!
Smeg head, YOU broke MY heart. Not the other way around. You just don’t fucking know that I know, so you can act like everything’s fucking fine.

I’m being lovely towards you and accepting your apology for calling me a backstabber and acting like I don’t know all the rest of the bullshit you’re spreading about me and like I am still happy to be around you to relieve the tension that was SUFFOCATING ME, but when you are gone, I never want to see you again. Because I could just never fucking trust you ever again and I cannot be friends with someone I cannot trust.
Simple as that.
Sorry not fucking sorry anymore.

I gave you SO much, and tried SO fucking hard, I even tried to not wear specific shit around you for AGES just IN CASE it reminded you of that bitch you hate. THAT’S HOW MUCH I FUCKING CARED ABOUT YOU. I EVEN SPENT OVER $150 ON YOU FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY OUT OF MY FUCKING PENSION!
AND I GET THIS. Thanks a bunch, what the FUCK.

I have also been accused of “stealing their PTSD about buses” … can they even HEAR themselves speak? did they REALLY not notice how FUCKING childish that sounds? like, srsly, r u fukn 12 dood? and after months of bitching at me about that bitch they hate and how they always “thought everyone was copying them all the time and it was so childish but I’d never be like them”, DO YOU EVEN FUCKING LISTEN TO YOURSELF SPEAK HOLY FUUUUUUCK?!?!
and yes, because I TOTALLY WANT to not be able to catch the closest and most convenient bus to my house. I WANT that. SUPER keen for things to be EVEN MORE difficult for myself to do with public transport. TOTALLY. Yeah. *scoff*

Not to mention, I’ve known said person who is moving out of the house soon because us, the rest of the household, in the nicest, politest way we could possibly think of, asked her to leave and gave her the correct amount of legal notice and were as lovely as we could be about it, and it was because of all their own bullshit anyway, for like(not including one ten minute meeting that we didn’t befriend each other during years ago) 6-8 months, and I haven’t fucking caught the 825 because of HIM already for three and a half years, because that was what his bus route was before, so like… did I steal THAT?
HMMM? I literally COULD NOT HAVE, I DIDN’T FUCKING KNOW YOU.

Fuck. Off.

Please grow the fuck up and stop acting like a 12 year old with a superiority complex and bigger problems than anyone who ever lived, okay thanks.

And the fact that you could say “What happened between them wasn’t even that big a deal” when you’ve never even fucking ASKED about it and know NOTHING AT ALL ABOUT IT YOU FUCKING FJDSKLAFJSDKJSALJFKLDSAFJDSALKFJDSALFJDSAKLF just hurt me SO fucking much, that was literally the thing that broke my heart.
Because you have NO idea…

I hardly left my room for nearly a year.
I wouldn’t shower for MONTHS at a time.
All I did was eat junk food, drink coca-cola, sleep and game.
My emotions all left.
I became numb.
I became empty.
I became nothing.
I BURNED A HOLE IN MY FUCKING ABDOMEN WITH JUNK FOOD AND COKE AND NOT LOOKING AFTER MYSELF.
THAT MUCH SELF-NEGLECT WAS HIS AFTERMATH.
And you didn’t even ask why, or what he did, or how he treated me, or ANYTHING.

You didn’t even ask…

You have no fucking idea, or right, to speak of that.

NO ONE brings up that dark part of my past unless I do. Ever.
It is as taboo among my friends who know ANYTHING about it, as a joke bomb threat on an airplane.

You just… do NOT.

You had no right, and only assumptions to spit out anyway.

FUCK.

YOU.

I am just… SO hurt… so, so hurt… I loved you.

But I STILL don’t want you back on the streets, because I am STILL ME, and ME means compassion and love for all life, and so after fucking EVERYTHING, I definitely do NOT want you here, but I STILL hope you find somewhere for you. Somewhere you could maybe stop being such a bitch and actually find happiness for yourself and have less self hatred that you push out as lies about others who fucking loved you, and soon. I really hope you do.

Because I still want the best for everyone.
Even HIM.
I just wish I didn’t ever have to see either of you ever again.
For me.
For the holes you’ve made and left to fester in my soul.
For them to heal.
For ME to be OKAY.

Because I feel I deserve that, because all I fucking ever did was care.

Anonymous: No need to apologize to us creepy anons. Just make sure you're in the right place for yourself and THEN succumb to our every whim. <3

Hahaha, nawww, thank-you <3


-Princess Amaya
scificity:

This is my favourite tweet of Sylvester McCoyhttp://scificity.tumblr.com
Anonymous: Where has you and your sexy gone? D:

I’ve been super busy, you know, timey wimey, wibbly wobbly… stuff…

I’m sorry again.


-Princess Amaya
Anonymous: No tights time?

I’m so sorry for the neglect I’ve been showing…


-Princess Amaya
Anonymous: Today?

I’m so sorry. I kinda dropped off the planet for a bit… I’ll come back soon.

I’m so sorry again…


-Princess Amaya

heicho-u:

my entire life is me dropping things and whispering ‘fuck’

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